Back to work, life and rest

Since coming back to Tenwek I have not yet shared with you what's been going on. I have felt like a bit of a yo-yo as I was in Kenya for 3 weeks than back in Canada for 4 (for Mom's funeral) then back at Tenwek for 4 weeks and then off I went again for a week of retreat. By the time you read this I will be back to work at Tenwek again.

I love the work I do at Tenwek and did not really know what to expect when I got back in January. After being gone for 11 months would I still be remembered, would the nurses I invested time in teaching still remember what I taught them? would they still be there? Would the physicians welcome me back allowing me to run my machines and care for patients?  Would my equipment still work? The answers to these questions was vastly positive. My first few days back at work were busy greeting everyone. Many of the nurses wishing me a Merry Christmas - a bit of a joke as they had not seen me for so long and I missed Christmas. I was happy to see many nurses still there and still remembering much of what I taught, however other nurses have gone to other departments, hospitals or for further training. The physicians were happy to have me back and let me know by paging me for something almost every day for the first two weeks (including nights and weekends). As for my equipment that was a different story - I came back to every single ventilator not working or "working" with multiple problems. I spent the first two weeks hurriedly trying to fix the machines. I was happy to have the help of a bio-med from Samaritans Purse who had come to help out the cardiac team. We took machines apart, swapped parts, put them back together and said lots of prayers. Some machines were just broken from normal wear and tear, others had just missed out on some routine maintenance, and one had been put back together wrong and fried a piece - when it smells burnt you know you have a problem. So fixing machines has been a priority. I can not care for patients if equipment does not work, nor can patients benefit from a life support machine that is not working. Two weeks ago I had six functioning vents and each one was in use. We were turning away patients and unable to provide the care we would have liked to for others. In Canada, this happens but a well equipped ambulance is there and able to take the patient to another hospital also well equipped. However Tenwek is the only hospital in a large area that has ventilators so so if we say no.... This is hard so I am hoping to fix another ventilator when I am back next week - I have one that is more broken so current plan is keep swapping parts until it works.

 I have enjoyed being back at work it has challenges but also many rewards - being able to see patients get better after a severe illness. We had a young man who was quite sick after a road traffic accident. On top of multiple fractures his lungs were affected (Fat emboli/PE/ARDS) he spent a good week on the ventilator and it was great to see him get better and leave the ward smiling.

Life at Tenwek is always a changing landscape - I have found myself missing friends from last time who were only here for a 2 year term and staying busy meeting new people. I dove back in facilitating bible studies Wednesday nights and helping with youth group when the Kenyan youth are home from boarding school. After retreat, I plan to soon restart pizza parties with the interns; a  fun way to get to know each other and relax. I practiced my rusty pizza making skills a few weeks ago as there is a couple from Edmonton now at Tenwek so I had to catch up with them. I see so few Canadians. As I am now a long term missionary at Tenwek instead of a visitor that does not leave I am now responsible for furnishing my house. I have borrowed furniture for a few more months but have done a fair amount of shopping - this weekend was expensive as I bought a fridge and washing machine. I am having a bed frame built and will also buy some furniture from a family that is leaving this summer. It is fun to set up house. 

As I mentioned earlier, I also just had a week of rest. Every year all the missionaries with the organization I am with here in Kenya (World Gospel Mission) take a few days of retreat. About 100 (including children) of us headed to the hot and humid coast. It was exactly what I needed, as you can see from above it has been a busy few weeks - this has not given me a lot of time to grieve the loss of my mom. This retreat gave me a chance to talk with my colleagues who are also so busy at Tenwek, we worshiped together -  most times of worship had me singing with tears running down my face. I hate crying in public but this was a safe and good place to do so. God also sent us a great speaker. A christian counselor and psychiatrist who has worked with missionaries all over the world. He led a session on grief that reminded me I was normal and reminded my colleagues that I will need time. The session wasn't just for me - most missionaries are grieving something whether something big like a death or a collection of smaller things - being away from family, not knowing if you are doing what's best for your children or the cumulative loss of too many patients etc. Anyway, this was a well needed break, a reminder that I have a missionary family that loves me and even more a God who loves me.
So this post has been long I will end with some pictures of the beautiful coast.

Woke up early to watch the sunrise

A weaver bird - so beautiful

upside down

I had started a few blog posts in the last few weeks but have never finished one. I had one started about coming home to Kenya, and one about two weeks back at work but again not finished. You see, I wanted to spend some time getting it right, to share a post about how excited I was about being back in Kenya. Settling back into life and work with the people I love. However, before I could finish these posts my life turned upside down. My mom has battled a disease called scleroderma for eight years and about a week after I arrived in Kenya I heard from her and the rest of my siblings that she was not doing well. Scleroderma is an ugly disease and she has done not well before but how could I sit down and write a blogpost about how excited I was to be back when 13 570km away my mom was quite ill? How could I write when I was worried about her and time was spent talking on the phone as well as the busyness of being back at work? So I did not finish a post.
Then, I heard news that further turned my life upside down. On Feb 18, I learned my mom was transported to Calgary and was in the ICU. I was happy when my family gave the phone to the ICU doctor so I could hear what was going on in language I could understand. I thought I heard him wrong when he said cardiac arrest (I didn't). Then I began to hear more - liver failure, dialysis/prisma, unable to ventilate - only when we bag, inotropes, this doctor was painting a picture that I knew too well. I have been in that ICU as caregiver many times. The doctor said we will not do CPR again and I agreed completely. My family put the phone to my mom's ear and I said some words that barring a miracle would be my last to her.
Less than 30 minutes later I got another call. She was gone. So I was 13 570km away in my living room crying. Now what?- I called a missionary lady who lived next door and she came over. She notified the rest of the community and we did the next thing - looked at flight. It was 10 at night and driving to Nairobi was not an option until the nest morning so the earliest flight would be 24 hours away.
I was thankful to be surrounded by my Tenwek family with their hugs, tears, stories and bunnies (yes one of the missionaries brought over a baby bunny for me to cuddle). I sent people away with food from my fridge as I was told to go back to Canada for one month. Some of the ladies tidied my house and I gave them stacks of things that needed to be taken care of before I left. The next began the trip home, 24 hours after I got The News I was on a flight back to Canada, 48 hours after The News I was hugging my dad at the Calgary Airport.  However, there was some joy among all of this. The day after we lost my Mom, my brother and sister-in-law had a baby girl. A new niece.
Those of you who have lost a family member before knows what was next, tears, hugs, stories and doing the things needed to plan a funeral. My dad has been surrounded by wonderful friends, family and neighbours. The fridge and freezer were filled with soup, buns and casseroles that quickly disappeared when my mom's family from Ontario arrived.
So here I am a week later after the funeral, the house is currently quiet although visitors and food keep coming, Dad and I put a big dent in the paperwork and life continues. Part of me feels guilty about continuing life I know.  I must continue to take the next step and by God's grace I can.
In two weeks, I will return to Tenwek, Tenwek is home now and I love the life that I have there and I know that is where God wants me to be. I am glad my parents were able to visit me at Tenwek, twice, and have seen that part of my life and my Mom and Dad could see that Tenwek is my home.
I ask for your continued prayers. The acute grief of losing my mom is passing however the chronic grief of living life without my mom has just begun.  A few days before she died my mom shared some scripture with me and I will share it here with you.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul that seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:21-26

For those of you interested my Mom's obituary is here and the funeral can be viewed here, just look for memorial service for Marie.

My mom and me this past summer

Baridi Sana, Sio mbaya

So for all you non Kenyans reading this post the title has probably thrown you off. Why? Because this post is a little different. Often I write in Kenya for my North American friends about what life is like in Kenya as a missionary. This post is for my Kenyan friends about life in Canada, particularly Canada in the winter. So you North Americans are welcome to keep reading, don't worry most of it will be english. The title translated is: very cold, but not bad. 
The last few years at Tenwek when I walked to work at 7am in my sandals, scrubs and lab coat, I would run into others walking or riding to work or school dressed in thick coats, scarves and hats - in Canada we call them toques. When I would greet people I would often hear baridi sang (very cold), my reply was often hakuna baridi hapa (there is no cold here) and further explain that I am from Canada and it can be very cold there. So now I am in Canada and the last few weeks have been very cold so I will share a little about that here.
A few days before Christmas I decided to go downhill skiing with my brothers. Yes, I intentionally got up early and headed into the cold. We dressed warm: 3 layers of trousers, a thick sweater, a thick jacket, scarf and a toque. To ski you need to put these big plastic boots on your feet so I had big thick socks as well. We headed to the mountains and sat on a movable chair that carried us all the way up the mountain and then with our skis on the feet went down. The trick is to turn so you don't go straight down and lose control and fall. At the top of the mountain, where the most snow falls, there was so much powdery snow that when you fell it was just a poof and felt like you fell into a pile of feathers. It was so deep that I would put my poles down to get up again and they would sink in about a meter. While we skied it was snowing so my scarf was  white (instead of black) and very icy. It was a beautiful day a little cold at ~ -12C but lovely.

A few days later was the day of my brothers wedding it was a very cold day -25C. My parents house was full with family and we were very thankful for the furnace that burns all day and night and sends warm air into the house. The morning of the wedding I had to go to the store to get some foods for the meal that night. So despite the cold I took the car to the store and picked up various things. We all met at the church in the afternoon. Everyone was there, and on time. People mentioned the cold mostly along the lines of what a beautiful day - as it was a lovely day with fresh snow and it really was lovely. The wedding party took pictures outside, they were a little cold, the ladies in their dresses and the men in their suits but I am sure the pictures will be lovely. I went skiing another day, a different type: cross-country instead of downhill, still cold but beautiful.

When you live here life goes on in the cold and rather than suffer through it we enjoy it. So in a few weeks when am I back in Kenya and you tell me "dada, leo ni baridi sana" (sister today is very cold) you will have to let me argue.

Getting ready

So the countdown is on in a month and a half I will be taking off. Due to the craziness of the next few weeks which I will explain lower down I am already packing. One of three suitcases is already packed at 45lbs (I don't completely trust my scale). This suitcase may be unpacked and repacked the next few weeks. I have made numerous trips to the store to stock up on things. What kind of things does one pack? After a few trips to Kenya, my Kenya list is getting more defined. So I have packed things like Allen keys - needed to fix the ventilators, random donated medical equipment, sticky hooks for the walls, a utility knife for making spacers, ink cartridges, random kitchen stuff etc. Packing is fun. So I pray it will all fit into 3 suitcases and an overloaded carry-on.

So why am I packing now? - I am planning on bringing everything to my parents next week. I will be in southern Alberta for 3 weeks catching up with family, celebrating Christmas and going to the wedding of my little brother. So it will be a fun 3 weeks but as I will be busy with nieces and nephews - current count has increased to 4 nieces and 5 nephews - just got another niece last week :). So busy with little people, catching up with siblings, chatting with aunts, uncles and cousins, and helping Mom keep everyone happy and fed. I am excited, it will be fun. But not much time will be left for preparing to go to Kenya. Which is why I am packing now.

So after 3 weeks at home I will be back up in Edmonton for a few days to work a few shifts, say a few more good-byes, and have a commissioning service at church. Than its back to southern Alberta for a few days so I can pack a small suitcase and hop on a plane to Colorado. I have a training there for Reach Beyond for a week - a little ironic is this training is a lot of fundraising training, and  my fundraising is at 100%. Yes praise the Lord all the needed support is raised. Also on a belated note the Reach Beyond website is now fully working  if you still want to donate - its easier to do now, read below about what happens if more than 100% is raised.
Back to my plans: after a week in Colorado, I fly back to Canada for 3 days before I hop on a plane for Kenya.

So I ask for your prayers as I spend the last few weeks preparing, saying good-byes, and surviving the cold dry weather.

Questions

So this post is a little trivial and a little serious. There are some questions as missionaries that may seem normal to the rest of the world but to me are much more complicated. Here is a sampling and some answers

When are you leaving? 

I have gotten this question frequently while on the road trip that finished a week or 2 ago. Do you mean leaving Ohio? Tennessee? Ontario? Or what ever place I am currently in or when am I leaving to go to home to Kenya. Asking when I am coming home is the same. Do you mean my Kenyan Home, my southern Alberta home, or my Edmonton home. Not easy.
So to answer this question: I will be in southern Alberta over Christmas, and say good-bye to Edmonton before then.
My flights to Kenya departs Jan 27. 

What is your Address?

See above. My home is multiple places. Why do you want my address? If it is for junk mail I will tell you I live in Africa and watch your baffled look. If you are a bank or someone who needs my address you get my parents place. If you want to visit me - it depends where do you want to visit me. If you're Amazon or sending me presents, it's wherever I will be next that charges the least shipping. 

What if you raise too much money?

I am now at 95% of needed funds, which is a huge blessing. Some of you may have been thinking of giving and wondering if you should still give. 

So this question is a little more serious. If too much money is raised - I do not get a raise, nor do I get a trip to Hawaii. What I do get is a little more financial security. My budget is in Canadian dollars, but when I am in Kenya I am spending Kenyan shillings and American Dollars. So with changing economies the amount needed for rent could change. Second if there are extra funds I have more with which to help others. Whether it be helping a patient with their hospital fees, buying bibles for youth group, helping the hospital with supplies or helping other missionaries who are short for a month - others will be helped by the money. Third 70% of my funds are pledged monthly or yearly. Peoples financial situations can change and I may lose supporters over the four years I am in Kenya. 

The decision to give and where to give is between you and God. There are many good causes out there so please pray about your giving.

How long are you going for?
I think it will be a long time until I live a "normal" life in Canada, maybe when I retire. As I am a missionary and funds are raised during my time in Canada. I will be back for a year in 4 years.The next 4 years will be in Kenya. However, I will be using my vacation time to fly to Canada to see family once or twice a year. So you may see me after I leave. 

Thanksgiving and Roadtrip

This past Monday was Thanksgiving day here in Canada. No, we don't call it "Canadian Thanksgiving". It is just Thanksgiving. We know our neighbours to the south celebrate a month later with shopping but here we are a little more simple. A meal with friends and family, being thankful for the harvest (for farmers, and others who like to eat food) and the blessings of the year.
Ok, sarcastic marks now put aside. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Over the last few years my life has gone a direction that I did not expect. I am now becoming more and more comfortable stating that I am a missionary. I receive compliments for sacrificing and risking so much to do what I do but really I don't see it that way. I am so thankful to be doing something I love. To be able to interact regularly with other, sometimes multiple cultures. To be able to teach others so health care in Kenya is improved. To be able to join/lead a bible study where we can encourage and challenge one another.
This year at home in Canada, I also have a lot to be thankful for. God has provided a place for me to live, a car to drive, a job to go to, friends to visit with, babies to cuddle, siblings to chat with, nieces and nephews to play with, parents to converse with and so much more. One of the tasks of the year was raising financial support - something I was not super excited about but again I am thankful. God calls people to give to his work. I am encouraged when I meet with people and share and we can encourage each other. Support raising is still a lot of work but every week I am excited to see my support thermometer (see side of the post) go up a few percentage points. God is faithful. I am confident and trusting that the remaining support will come in the next few months I have booked my flights and Jan 27, the Lord willing, I will be off to Kenya.

Before I take off to Kenya I have some adventures here yet.  Next week, I am taking off in my car and heading East. My Aunt J. is joining me for the trip to Ontario and then I will be on my own. Please pray for me as I travel. I am going to visit with friends and family, and attend a conference. I have listed my tentative itinerary below and would love to see you. If you are in or close to one of these places let me know as I love catching up with people - the whole point of this trip.
So my tentative, slightly vague itinerary is below and remember I am driving so if you live between point a and b I can stop by.
Oct 21-24 - Travel from Alberta to Southern Ontario.
Oct 25-31 Southern Ontario
Nov 1-4 Ohio and Michigan
Nov 5-7 Global Mission Health Conference Louisville Ky
Nov 8 - Southern Tennessee
Nov 9-10 Travel from Tennessee to NW Iowa
Nov 11-15 North west Iowa
Nov 16-17 Travel back to Alberta.

Homesick

I have been back in my Canadian home for 6 months now, the shine is wearing off and I now miss my Kenyan home. Culture shock, or what happens when you come back, reverse culture shock, has its ups and downs. The first few months back I had some challenges but then I settled into normal. One thing that I do miss while in Kenya and have enjoyed here is time with family and friends. Getting to know my nieces and nephews again is wonderful. For the last few months I have enjoyed the shine of normal. The conveniences of North American life are great. I don't think twice before I hop in the car, do some groceries and stop at Subway or Dairy Queen for bite on the way home. The same is true for work at the hospital, I am surrounded by very well trained nurses, physicians, pharmacists, dietitians, therapists and others. Lab tests are ordered without a thought. TPN is automatic. We don't debate whether a patient really needs a CT or what a MRI might tell us if we could get one. Instead everything is at our fingertips. I throw away so many supplies that are hardly used that I would reuse many times at Tenwek.

So you may be thinking this sounds great, what's the problem. The truth is I miss my Kenyan home. I miss the simplicity of stopping at one of the many shops to buy my fruits (yes we say fruits there), vegetables and other staples. I miss holding her baby as the shopkeeper puts my groceries on the counter and puts my eggs in a small flimsy plastic bag. I miss showing up at work and greeting my co-workers before we get to work - although I often miss this, but they call me on it. I miss walking to and from work, sometimes multiple times a day to get something. I miss coming home at noon to a meal cooked by a lovely lady who helps me out 2 days a week (who wouldn't miss this). I miss the surprises when I get to work in the morning. Quickly trying to figure out who I need to see with the teams of doctors and trainees and trying to round with 3 teams at once. I miss being a part of the team called for advice at all hours. I miss the challenge of fixing a machine when I have no one to ask for advice. Taking the whole machine apart and then realizing I could have just undone 2 little screws. I miss putting that machine back together again and having  it work better than it did before. I miss teaching the nurses, physicians in training and anyone who would listen so someday I am not needed. I miss the bible study with my interns where the conversation is always interesting and I am challenged. I miss stepping out the front door of my house and encountering multiple kids on scooters circling my house. I miss going for a walk and encountering another missionary and we can chat about life, and pray for one another. There is so much more that I could add to this list: the fun of trying to speak and understand swahili, going to church and singing song of praise together; it could just go on.

Many things on this list are the same thing I may have complained about 2 years ago. Life is strange is that way. So now I am continuing in this life here in Canada, working towards going back. I have gotten multiple e-mails from friends back in Kenya with a repeating question:  when are you coming back? The plan is January. Will you help me get there? I need to raise support to get there. Check out the thermometer on the side of the post. I still have a ways to go. So why am I going back? Not just because I miss it. I miss it because that is where God wants me to be.